i am spiraling out of control. i am bipolar and i am definately really manic right now...worst its been in years. i drink every single night til im wasted. i really like this guy and were talking and last night i did a bad thing. i went back to this guys house who ive met a few times and we did some coke and i ended up sleeping with him. i didnt even like it. well i didnt fall asleep at all and now i work in an hr and im still high as shit. my body is so sore. i have bruises allllllll over my body. i feel like a total slut. i dont like who i am at all. i cant believe i slept with him when i am totally really into this amazing guy. i cant believe myself. i disgust myself. i dont even think this guy is cute i was just really fucked up and shit happened. im close to tears. i cut. i cant do this anymore. everytime i start to get close to someone i push them away. i either turn into a bitch around them to make them want to leave me or i do something like this. i cant take it anymore. i wish i wouldnt sabotage my relationships. its like i want to know they will stand by me through thick n thin. i have lost so many people bc of this tho and i hate it. im scared to get close to someone and then have them see the crazy in me after ive fallen for them so i guess i dont let it get to the point where they can hurt me (eventhough it still hurts always).
i dunno what to do. im scared

i kissed a boy and i liked iiiitttt!

ha we work together. this could get messy :) i love it

my hand is pretty fucked up and bruised pretty bad. thankfully everyone kind of laughed the whole situation off yesterday when i saw them. they were actually all really nice to me. i just hope they dont think of me as the crazy bitch who punches shit and slaps people lol. never again will i fast and then pound 10 drinks. never.

i keep having weird dreams. its like i cant sleep well without someone lying next to me (or if im sober) so when i do go to bed alone and sober i have dreams that im sleeping with someone. its weird and messed up. it helps sometimes but last night it kind of just made things worse. it made me more aware of the fact that i am alone.

im kind of starting to like this guy...yes a guy. so weird. not used to these feelings at all. he is really sweet and the only one who could calm me down the other night. not sure if i screwed it all up tho by acting crazy. hopefully not.

i dont like myself.
i burned so many bridges last night. i keep everything inside and unfortunately i let it all out last night and the people i was around were the ones i focused my anger on.
i went to a concert last night and got kicked out bc i bought my friend a beer. i was so pissed at the situation that i didnt even want to talk to my friend. i have known her for 7 yrs. i punched a window and i slapped my guy friend and i cried for hours and was just a bitch to everyone. it was  really bad. i feel awful about everything i did. i wish i wasnt such a bitch. god im an awful person.

well my ex is ok. it wasnt anything major. she called me today. she told me her ex (who she still loves) proposed.
im bawling.
fuck my life.
i want to run away

my ex is in the hospital. and im scared because the last person i loved died and i really dont think i could handle going through that again. plus she is the most amazing person ive ever met and i obviously dont want anything to happen to her. the only things i could find on webmd for her symptoms are cancer. she just turned twenty. so i know that its pretty much webmd's job to freak people out...but its def working. i havent talked to her since 11am and its almost 10pm now so im nervous that something happened and thats why she isnt answering my calls.

i dunno im prolly freakin out over nothing (*fingers crossed*)

hmmm well i prolly wouldnt eat anything...im not gonna eat meat and i dont know what berries are poisonous so however long u can go without food. or i would possibly kill myself to escape...as morbid as that sounds. i dont know tho. prolly the first scenario rather than the second

i wish i could be high forver :)

have u ever just felt like leaving. everything and everyone. just getting on a plane or a greyhound and not telling anyone. maybe not even knowing where ur going. just leave and never come back.

thats how i feel right now. if i had the money to be able to do that i would. i wish i could

its not even like i am going through anything like a fight...im just in that mood. i dont want to be here anymore and i dont like my life. im just done

i am gonna miss her so much. eventhough we have put each other through so much shit im gonna miss her so bad. i cant imagine what the rest of my life is gonna be like.

she leaves for home (across the country) in a month. then i wont see her for two months until i finally get to go visit for a week. then i wont see her for another three and a half b/c im going back to our school and she isnt coming back.

then if i do transfer to the school i want to go to she will still be 3hrs away. ill be able to see her on weekends but not every weekend. and i am going to be busy with school and she will be with work.

i know we arent going to be able to last like that. our relationship isnt strong enough and its killing me inside.

i want this month to last forever. i never ever want it to end.

"these feelings ony go away theyve been knockin me sideways....."

love her

my ex is so weird

she added me on facebook the other day (she deleted me when we brokeup). she said she doesnt want to see me around campus b/c she doesnt know what to say. she wont even say hi if she runs into me. weird. why would u wnat to be my friend on facebook if we cant be in real life?

other news im doing pretty good. ive been working out a lot. i went on a walk/run around campus taking pics with my roommate from 10pm to 230am hahahah

so i am 130. but that is after ive been drinking water nonstop for the past 3hrs and ate some rice and veggies. so i think im doing ok. im going to the gym after class today. im def gonna swim and run. so i hope it turns out to be a good workout

february is almost over! what a fucked up month.

anyway i am starting over today. i officially broke things off with my ex last night. i deleted her number from my phone alone with her pics on facebook and on my phone and i got all my stuff from her room. i officially have no reason to think about her or talk to her again!

so i light of the new starting over i really want to whip my ass into shape

my goal by spring break (march 6) is to be down to 120. im 128 now. but if i get down to 124 by then i will be happy with that.
then over break i want to get down to 115 by the time school starts again and i want to tan and get my hair cut and just come back looking amazing!!

im going to a gay club over break with some friends too so who knows maybe ill meet someone. anyway i cant wait!

NEW BEGINNINGS ROCK! :)

so my girlfriend (well ex girlfriend) told me last night that she cheated on me with her ex the day after valentines day
and valentines day was the first time we slept together. OUCH
so i flipped out, went to my room and got rid of all her stuff
then i went and just like started walking and ended up at the grocery store of all places
i just walked up and down every isle not looking for anything just walking
i didnt need anything, i didnt want anything
then she called me and we talked and i made her cry when i said it was over
i felt bad but really its her fault.
i still love her but i cant keep putting myself through all this
i have a rollercoaster life and im dealing with so much more shit i dont need hers on top of mine.


so im sad and tired and strangely ok with everything

so i think my girlfriend is cheating on me with her ex girlfriend. thursday she just dissapeared all night and didnt answer her phone. turns out she went to visit the school her ex goes to. then i went home on friday and she called me and talked to me for an hour about how she is going through a lot and wants to slow things down b/c she cant give me her 100% and that i deserve better. so i cried the whole time....it was the day before valentines day. great timing. so then we hung out on valentines day when i got back. that whole night i was throwing up because im so stressed about us.
then this morning i was still getting sick. she came and stayed with me in bed to make me feel better and her ex called and she left and didnt answer her phone( this was around 5) and finally called me back at 11 tonight...take a guess where she went.

fuck my life
i really need to cut.
my roommate is in the room so i think i might just go smoke and burn myself. god im fucked up

so i found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend. they say they were just cuddling but i dont know what to believe. i have a feeling something else happened, not sure how far i think it went.
last night she told me she heard i cheated on her on saturday with a guy at a party. so eventhough i know its not true i dont know if she thinks it is. she told me she didnt believe the rumor but i cant tell if she means it.
she has felt kind of distant lately. she was having a tough day yesterday but she wouldnt talk to me about it, she talked to her best friend (who doesnt like me b/c she thinks i cheated). im not too sure what i should do
i feel her slipping away from me. she is the first girl ive really loved. and eventhough we have only been together for a little while, i do love her. i dont want anything bad to happen to her and i especially dont want to hurt her in any way.

these are a few girls i know and they are total thinspo for me. i love real girls

( on the right )

so im kind of seeing this girl from school. like we've fooled around and stuff and hang out just about everyday. but u know those commercials that are like 'are u gay and confused' haha ya i totally can relate now. im not sure what i am. this is the weirdest feeling ever. i dont know if i am gay but i mean im pretty sure i am lol. i just never really saw this happening. i never saw myself being with another girl other than like kissing. but ya i dont know how im supposed to act when were in public so i just like act like were friends. its weird not knowing what ur supposed to do in a relationship (well not really a relationship).

but ya sorry about the rant.
anyway the girl im seeing is perfect so i want to make myself perfect for her.
so im 132 right now
im gonna try to be at 120 by valentines day. ive been doin pretty good so far. i dropped 5 lbs since last sunday.


wish me luck. and if u have any advice for me about the girl, please PLEASE let me know

i feel fantastic. all i ate today was a piece of toast and an avodacdo and i burned off 700 cals at the gym. yay

i leave for cleveland tomorrow at like 9am. so excited. gonna need some coffee tomorrow